How do you fix what you don't know is broken??

Complicated.

Love.. crazy topic.. and I'm not sure I'm fully committed to getting into the subject. It is so complex, all aspects of it. It's more than emotional.. its devastating, it's beautiful.. it's everything. The last two days I've had Nivea's Complicated song on reply.. She hits a point in the song, and I swear I'm crying inside with it.
It's kinda crazy to think of living life without love. I mean I could if I had to.. live without being in love, however I could not even phantom being without love in my life. What's funny about love though, is how quickly people fall in and out of it. The rush of it is overwhelming and its presence is burdening, even when your lovers are long gone they burn deep within you.
Losing love has to be one of the most difficult crosses one can ever bare. Like sand, if you hold it too tight the grans will slip through your hands.. and yet if you don't hold it tight enough the wind will carry it away.. What happens when love doesn't love you, anymore.

Patience.

It sucks you in only to spit you back out.. That's life, that's worth and that's most definitely strength. I realised now without this suffering happiness wouldn't taste so sweet. Neon lights aid to the dance, but the darkness develops the character.

I think I've seen it all my life, ain't a damn thing changed everybody dipping into the same bowl; not enough to go around. But at this time in my life, it don't mean a thing. Even if I get a nibble I fail short for that.. at least. I got these dreams and I see them when I close my eyes, even if they don't manifest to reality they've spread throughout my heart. It's kinda ridiculous but this change has finally hit me, walking outside for the first time in a couple days to go to the shops.. This calm, I couldn't explain but it was cool because my girl understood.. this calm set in.. this peace with the world. Everything else was just irrelevant noise. It was a familiar calm and it was fucking brilliant. I'm not free but now I'm a spirit and I have a destiny to fulfill. And there ain't a motherfucker out there that will do it better than me.. believe that.

I'm not concerned about tomorrow anymore, if I wake up I wake up, if I don't my memory seeps in everything in life. I'm worried about today, what I reflect now will translate into tomorrow and the rest of my life, therefore I will have to make it something worthwhile. I have to be something worth remembering, I must make an impact on every person that enters my life, from what I have to offer that is the least I can do.. First step, finish school.

Missing You Becks.. I Live In Your Spirit & Memory, And I Will Get By..x

Infinity.

Friends seem to change space like the clothes you place on your back. One moment the only thing you will wear is pastels and checkers and the next your favourite colour to wear is black. Fortunately with the shame of clothes you can always reflect back with laughter or fondness. Although the same can be said for friends, the change is less obvious and refundable..

It seems my in life I've never had a constant friend, throughout my life. I've grown to understand that friends come and go, people come into your life to alter your destiny, whether they are there for a second or a lifetime they affect the whole of your world. It almost seems ridiculous to me now that someone can shake my world after I've wasted so much time trying to balance it out. I know that with every high the withdrawal shortly follows, and maybe the withdrawals are worth the buzz, but what happens when you no longer feel the buzz?

I've been the best of friends with people when the time is right, when it is convenient for the both of us or purely out of boredom or loneliness. It's hard for me now to separate the characters I've created within myself. I told a friend the other night that people should be careful who they pretend to be because they soon become what they pretended to be.. But how do you know when you're pretending.. I mean really, REALLY know? If I force myself to analyse every movement that I make then I know, but if I don't.. well you know what follows with that statement.

I'm a bit frustrated, maybe it was all that moving around or maybe it's all my personal demons but I've assured myself that I will never find the type of relationship with another person that is pure. Nothing is pure in life, and I'm not exactly craving it. But my sweet tooth for love has eroded and now I'm in this state of self doubt.

Maybe within myself I do not hold the capacity to love and therefore the love I receive is deflected or deflated a long the way. People's reflection on me always draw the same conclusion, when I'm open I'm still not open. Yet when I'm closed I'm trapped. I fight for so much I forgot what and who it was I've gone to battle with..

I forgot what this blog was suppose to be about, I have some much self-infliction that I'm starting to irritate myself. All I know is I still feel as alone as I did when I was 13. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know who's coming along for the ride. It doesn't scare me, but I'm sick of preparing for it... my wardrobe is already full.

All I want to do is be a good person, to be loved & loved back, I want a life of internal happiness & to smile with my heart for once..

Sweet Dreams Beckie Boo.

On the 12th of February 2009 many were horrified to hear word of the untimely death of Beckie Borg.
News of Ms. Borg.. aka Ms. Thang, death was a completely unexpected shock & devastation to many people that were part of her life.
It was confirmed early into the hours of the 13th that Beckie had died in her sleep and subsequently had not suffered any pain.

I have not slept well in the past few days as a result of the news sinking in. A lot of people are trying to cope with the death of Beckie so I decided that returning to this blog and writing this will at least extend my condolences to Beckie's family, friends and loved ones and will also help me find closure with the horrifying reality.

Born on the 18th of April in 1990 within her short 18 years of life she accomplished more than most can in a lifetime. Soft-spoken, patient, vibrant and kind Beckie never demanded anything from anyone but to be felt loved. (Well You Are!) Friends easily remember Beckie as a force of nature, once you got to know her through her shy exterior you saw this light that shone brighter than we ever truly understood. Memoriess of her humor are ample as she did her best to live her life as happy and true as possible.. forcing everyone around her to smile, laugh and have fun at and with her wacky and insanely angelic self. A smile was always plastered on her face and her remarkable good looks were met with a remarkable love for life, others and her pets!!

Beckie's death has affected a lot of people, but I am honoured to be able to say I knew her. Regardless of things that were never said between Beckie and I, and times I did not do what my heart now bursts to do, I truly love Beckie and am privleged to call her my friend. I was so sad thinking about what she has done for my life and trying to think about what I could have done for hers, what I should of. Now I understand my time, my friendship, my conversation, my kiss or cuddle, joke or wave was not enough, but still just right. Beckie was alive in me, and she will continue to be for the rest of my life. To everyone that is mourning the loss of Ms. Thang I extend my hand, my heart, and my thoughts to you. I cannot put into words how I am feeling, nor do I feel I will ever be able to I know in my heart Beckie can feel it, I know in my heart Beckie knows it now, I know in my heart Beckie is alive there, and I know in my heart that Beckie has got my back.

Beckie Borg will always be the 'sickest white girl' I ever met 'bravv'.. and whenever I pass her house on my way in and out I will make sure I stop to say hi all the times I didn't while she was here. We love & miss you gorgeous.xXx

Sweet Dreams Angel.